JADA'S POETRY
Poems
SCAPEGOAT
May 20, 2022
So you make a mistake
Your brain gets warm
Fire builds up inside
Rage fills the emptiness
Then that’s the only thing there
Forget the good times
Shame is all there is
And decisions to make
Maybe you rid the feeling
Do everything in your power
Try to fix whatever it was
Become better for what there is
So what if there’s blame
You blame the other person
You blame yourself
Fault is just a scapegoat
Anger is a reaction
But it doesn’t fix anything
Some things aren’t meant to be fixed
And you have to accept that sometimes
Advice isn’t always meant to be taken
But it’s a choice
Helpfulness could be of help
If not then, oh well
There’s always another way
Just think abstractly
Shapes are unlimited
What you form could be anything.
FANTASY
December 10, 2021
Music is all I want right now
To lay on my couch
My big black headphones on
Eyes closed but fully awake
But I’m sitting in class
All of the action happening
It’s surrounding me
While I’m in another world
One earbud in
Where I really want to be
Is not here, it’s there
On my couch
Soaking in every moment
Feeling the calmness
The quiet filling the space
Caring about what’s happening
Able to tune out the world
Little sounds like typing
Loud noises and talking
Responsibility and desire
Just let me be there
But while I’m here
In this plastic chair
Typing on my desk
Click, clack, clunk
Back to reality
The past few minutes
Were just a fantasy.
IMPERFECTLY PERFECT
November 27, 2021
It starts small
A single blemish
The speck of acne
Sight of blackheads
No bumps can be felt
Or dark circles be seen
I must look alert
Scrub off the dirt
My lashes are too short
It starts with some mascara
Then primer and mascara
Lots of mascara
Forget about glasses
You couldn’t see my eyes
But now you see my face
I change it in many ways
My eyes needed a pop
So I started on the top
Eyeliner and eyeshadow
Layers of blending and fixing
My eyebrows were too faint
Although, thick, but not quaint
Can’t fill them too much
They’ll see the difference
Birthmarks on my face
Is my nose oddly shaped
My sideburns look weird
Lips too peeled
But it doesn’t stop there
Imperfections are everywhere
From head to toe
I promise you don’t know
Stomach not curved
Too straight or too bloated
Thin arms, short nails
Dry hands look frail
Chest too flat
Bony wrists
Dry heels
Thick toes
I’m imperfectly perfect
You’re imperfectly perfect
This desire to change
That is what’s strange
Look in the mirror
It isn’t any clearer
They don’t see you
How you see you
The more you rid the real
You’re bringing on a fake
Until you don’t recognize yourself
But it’ll help you appreciate
What’s there is you
Your happiness
Change if you want to change
Only for you, and not them
It’s easy to find something wrong
Photoshop messes with the brain
Airbrush clears visible pain
Life doesn’t have to be this way.
SILENCE
July 16. 2021
There’s no way to tell
What a person’s first instinct is
The thing about you
Intimidation that scares them
I’ve been thinking lately
Wondering why it’s so hard
Why we can’t break down the barriers
For once just be true to ourselves
They’ve told me I’m weak
Given me eye rolls
Laughed in frustration
Told me to just get out
Sometimes I’m too slow
Or maybe just not fast enough
If I failed I never tried
A winner or I just lied
Oh maybe I’m just forgetful
My memory must be fuzzy
Certain things never happened
Proof is my imagination
That pit in my stomach
I don’t want any commotion
To be a disgrace or annoyance
And my voice closes shut
So I’m quiet without a peep
Just sweep it under the rug
Until I find my sense of peace
Silence is the real enemy.
BREATHE
June 6, 2021
I don’t need to have it all figured out.
Most of the time no one knows what the hell they’re doing.
We get so lost in the past or so worried about the future.
We forget to live in the present; the now.
At this very moment what are you thinking about?
Can you just---forget about it for one minute?
Bring your focus to these words.
Retain the meaning of them and be attentive.
Forget about all those thoughts swarming in your head.
Think about your heart.
Picture it beating---surprise! You’re alive.
Bring attention to your breath.
We all forget to breathe sometimes.
That tightness in your stomach is telling you one of two things.
You’re experiencing anxiety, or you’re just really hungry!
But seriously, how often do you notice your breathing?
For me, I don’t think it’s even once a day.
Imagine taking just one minute each day to breathe.
That feeling of relief is something no one else can take from you.
Please don’t take it from yourself.
IGNORANCE
May 14, 2021
Sometimes I blame ignorance
Or the system for not explaining
Though the people who I blame
Just won’t ever quite understand
Sometimes I’m just complaining
Because maybe they’ll never get me
But the anger isn’t at them
I’m just tired of wasting my breath
We rarely get any attention
And when others speak for us
Well...they don’t really know
It’s all assumptions and conjectures
Sometimes I’m at school
The topic comes out of nowhere
My lid flips and I often freeze
As my brain says not to waste my energy
So I sigh at the teachers
Maybe I correct their version
Of these facts they think they know
Or more times than not, don’t think about
There isn’t one way of life
Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like
If my body just kept it inside
Although I’m glad it didn’t
It seems like it’s happening more
I think it’s just high on my radar
Especially after one denied
Even having said it when by my side
Sometimes people just joke
There’s nothing funny to it though
I’ll get sick to my stomach
Other times just say fuck it
Most of the ignorance is innocent
I can’t stand the desire of madness
But when all that bottles up
It comes straight back to me
Sometimes I come to a consensus
That they won’t even make the effort
To be more accepting and understanding
Those are the ones I let go
Sometimes I just don’t want it
The responsibility that’s only partially mine
For I cannot speak for anyone else
My facts are just my story to tell
So now I ponder if they need to know
Or if it’s even worth my time
I won’t make the choice to inform society
At least the ones who are just careless.
THE WALL
March 1, 2021
There’s a barrier around me
You can’t see it, but it’s there
It’s my protection; keeps me safe
Or at least I think it does
I tend to filter things
What I say to people
The full truth of how I feel
Things that, to me, are real
And I know why, now
My protection is my fear
I am simply afraid
Of everything and everyone
I can’t control the fear
It has been ingrained in me
My wounds only grew deeper
They never fully healed
So I sit in despair
Crouched on the floor
Back against the wall
Hands on my forehead
For just moments
I know I can be safe
Because I am alone
Inside my comfort zone
This wall I build
Comes from my fear
But this wall I lean on
Keeps me up.
CTRL YOU
January 25, 2021
Fingers touch the keys
Tap, tap, tapping; what to write
The cold sends a shiver down my spine
Fingers lift up---they’re frozen---
The pointer, it sees something
It raises in sync with my thoughts
Slowly moves, creeps, like it’ll wake a bird from its nest
It goes down
My hands feel light
Like delicate little flowers
Just moving with the breeze
But in this case it’s gravity
They’re set down again
Right thumb on the mouse
Well...the pad not a mouse
It shifts slightly
Tap, tap, tapping; I have a thought
Where does my mind go?
And another thought pops up
Too fast to grasp
My delicate wings are broken
Why can’t I fly?
What I really need is grounding
To land safely before takeoff
I’m not falling this time
Just floating in mid air
The power is around me
But too hot to touch
The sensation on my skin
Is one of a burning tingle
So that my arm hairs stick up
I envision a magnetic field
A clutch in my stomach
Struggling to break free
Simply needs relaxation
Before it begins to ache
The chest lifts up
Light from the burn
Makes out a fire
It doesn’t like resistance
That only feeds it
Enact no fear
Now press control
Copy that
For future reference
Now turn the page
Paste but scroll down
Create new and alter old.
DOUG FIR TREE
November 8, 2020
Doug is a tree
Has highs and lows
Grows from the roots
Surrounded by the earth
Doug is a tree
Its leaves are green
Feeling is ridgidy
Fragile to the touch
Doug is a tree
Feels quite lonely
Stands tall in the ground
But there’s no one to surround
Doug is a tree
Doesn’t know where it’s from
Or even who made ‘em
For the visual won’t come
Doug is a tree
Or maybe it is me
Don’t know where I belong
Was my beginning just wrong?
Now I know it’s me
But clearly I can see
I’m different that is all
Even seasons have a fall.
NO JUDGEMENT
September 24, 2020
Maybe you’ve seen me
walking in the halls
Or maybe you’ve heard
my name being called
Maybe you follow
the snippets of my life
Or maybe you stay away
if you don’t know me...
am I right?
Maybe we’ve talked to each other
I’d remember for sure
Or maybe you’ve hurt me
and your memory is a blur
Maybe you know me
and we’ve had some good laughs
Or maybe we’re close
and together have had a blast
Maybe we used to talk
but with time things have changed
Or maybe you don’t like me
even for a reason you can’t explain
What do you think of me?
Do you think I’m kind?
Do you think I’m worthy?
Do you think I’m a good person?
Maybe I’ll never know
for the better or the worse
But I’m not a perfect human
and my mistakes are not a curse
I’ve spent so much time believing
that the ones who hurt me are right
But, really, it is my mind
that will be my key to the fight
I share this because I’m not broken
No need to be glued back together
Maybe I crack but that is just it
I will not let anyone break me fully
No judgement is another’s excellence
Pointing fingers is not an answer
Speak truth and not excuse
even if that means it’s you.
UNTITLED
August 30, 2010
I’m just a girl
who lives in
an unforgiving,
frightful world
Where competition
gives us meaning
Cruelty is somehow
an atrocious cure
Clutching at the verge
of our last words
Pondering with regret
or maybe even arrogance
We cannot retract
what is already said
We cannot mend
what is already done
Adapting to actions
Emitting to faults
Releasing a grudge
Forgiving resentment
Defining meaning
is not fully based
on previous life
nor our present
But, it is every second
of what to do next
when given the decision
and if we choose to make it.
UNCERTAINTY
August 7, 2020
Uncertainty is like
a sting in the chest,
shiver down your spine,
heavy weight in the brain
It makes me wonder
what it would be like
if I didn’t have to face
all of the uncertain moments
But that’s just life
It’s full of surprises
that don’t like to warn you
or tell you when they’re coming
Eventually it builds up
although there’s no way of knowing
when those moments are coming
or when they’re going to end
We have been in this pandemic
which feels like ages ago
when it first started
So much has changed
The change could be good
It’s the adjusting
and the constant numbness
that makes it so hard
It’s the uncertainty
of not knowing
what is next
or when it will end
But I am not alone
I am in this with everyone
We are in it together
and that itself gives me
comfort.
HAVE YOU EVER
July 1, 2020
Have you ever
felt like
you just
wish that
you could
disappear?
Have you ever
wanted to
run away
from all
of your
emotions?
Have you ever
thought
that maybe
you will
never be
successful?
Have you ever
wished
that you
could turn
off your
mind?
Have you ever
been so
anxious
that you
wasted
so much
time?
Have you ever
worried
about being
judged
just for
who you
are?
Have you ever
believed
that you
are too
broken
to be
fixed?
Have you ever
experienced
hatred
but from
yourself?
Well if so...
Please do
not change
who you
are.
Please do
not let
the lies
get to
you.
Please do
not make
any of
all this
define
you.
JUST BECAUSE
June 30, 2020
Just because I’m Chinese
doesn’t mean I speak the language
doesn’t mean I always get A’s
and doesn’t mean I always eat with chopsticks
Just because I’m Chinese
doesn’t mean I only have Asian friends
doesn’t mean I always wear red
and doesn’t mean I’m always quiet
Just because I’m Chinese
doesn't mean my parents are
doesn’t mean I can’t be Jewish
and doesn’t mean I’m good at math
Just because I’m Chinese
Why do people judge?
Why does it matter?
What does it change about who I am?
Just because I’m Chinese
THE CYCLE
June 28, 2020
There is this thought I have
that it would be easier
if I could just run
away from everything
The damn exhaustion
Tired of being sad
Tired of being anxious
Tired of feeling
Let the truth be told
there is never an end
for myself specifically
because I am stuck
in this forever going cycle
My past was bright
but then it takes a turn
dark and unimaginable
like I died
but only on the inside
Sometimes I can’t tell
whether what I am living
is real or fake
almost like a fantasy
either a dream, or nightmare
I never get to predict
how exactly my day goes
or ways to avoid triggers
become okay with myself
Each time I imagine
fleeing from the present
it gives me such relief
until I realize the truth
that I cannot run
My problems won’t be solved
I will still be there
but that is a whole other problem
because running from myself
is simply not an option
Really, I want to get away
from feeling anything
including false hope
that cannot be promised
I do not want to ride
a roller coaster life
but it may be my only choice
so I need to end the fight
Pushing thoughts away
Pushing feelings away
Pushing trauma away
Pushing people away
I am afraid
of healing
being okay
and feeling
The thought of hope
is the true obstacle
that keeps me in
the cycle.
AT LAST
June 17, 2020
Days have come where I wake up
A feather is how I would describe
The delusional feeling I now abide
Like surfing a wave at its peak
At last, joy is rushing into me
Commitment, strive, and integrity
Making time for things I love
Pushing myself to never give up
It is the longest I have felt this way
Even looking back 365 days
This time I have hope not to give in
My emotions can be put into a bin
I have some lows but am able to tell
The trigger which now rings like a bell
Coming to accept and address it helps
At last, I find peace and balance
Think of it like a tug-of-war
Positivity finally wins the match
Hard enough it pulls against the other half
Standing strongest to its ground
Work, is how I got to this state
Luck will not make it stay so great
I need to remember moments pass
That is what got me here, at last.
BUTTERFLY PIECES
May 20, 2020
A butterfly you see
Its wings can so graciously
Flutter in the sky
Free from anything
Delicate to the touch
It goes anywhere they please
Or blends in from predators
Incase it ever needs to freeze
The ‘butterfly effect’
Can be used in times of need
Just draw one on your arm
You’ll be afraid to make it bleed
Such a fragile image
Could take a dark turn
But if you break it, then next time
Will be harder when it returns
Once torn into pieces
It cannot be brought back
Next time you decide again
If it lives or decontructs
Each chance is a new beginning
There’s no nostalgia from the last
Butterfly that was perished
Whose remains are now vanished
A new butterfly will construct
However many times you yearn
You must choose for it to come back
For it’s not something you earn.
RAINDROPS
May 15, 2020
Imagine a raindrop falling from the sky
Landing onto a leaf to then slide down
A balanced sensation that moves freely
Moving slowly but surely upon the smooth surface
Continuing to ride embedded in the crease
Which holds quite a silky feeling
Soft to the touch and bendy like straw
Knowing where it’s headed completely
Now this visual has such a gleaming feel
If only it could embellish into me
A rainstorm or hurricane of doubt and downcast
It floods me and I am washed away.
SINK OR SWIM
May 3, 2020
Everything is black and white
That is such a recurrent sentence
Two days ago I felt on top of the world
But this day I wanted to end my presence
There was some work I had to get done
But for the first time I left it deficient
I needed not to be alone
Or I would decide on my own to give in
Now you may be wondering what it is that I mean
But before I say I must tell you
The thought that was going around in my head
When I woke up from bed ---
Thinking I had to do this all again
I realize that no one can stop me
This choice I have to make
Each day I feel that I need to appeal
A side of my brain that urges so strongly ---
About 39 months ago
I went searching for a pin
This was the first time that I thought
I really needed to win
I pressed it down right into my skin
Enough so that it made a mark
It lined right up with a vein on my wrist
The one that corresponds with the heart
Self harm has a difference that many don’t know
The meaning behind it is valid
It’s the want to have control, to succeed, to fulfill
That’s my reason for it if I will
Each time it relieves just a part of my pain
Temporarily while I am trying to process my brain
It’s so strong, the act, but you see here’s the fact
The unhealthiness of it… though I want it back ---
There are ways that you can stop yourself
A slip here and there does not tumble a shelf
But it adds to your load of emotional health
Which is not so pleasant to carry
I am writing again to get out of this funk
Hoping maybe it helped, but if not that it sunk
Into your brain.
SEVENTH GRADE
April 30, 2020
Red lipstick; it was so exciting
It started that I walked down the halls that year
Head held high and I had no fear
But, that gradually started to change
I was fierce until I was not
Soon enough the red lips were gone
They weren’t the only thing that went
My high self esteem too ---
Part of it was being made fun of
It was almost like middle school had high stakes
And the criticism I just could not take
Dresses and skirts they seemed to go
When winter came it wasn’t even the snow
That made me choose to undergo ---
Sweatpants.
I remember shopping, and I love fashion
But during that year it was all black and grey
Not just my mood, but the things that I wore
The style I went to when I was in the store
Soft, plain, and dark ---
If you see though, here are the facts
A reflection of my mood, it was just that
These were the hints and I was trying to convince
Myself that I was fine, but I was not ---
I could say it all started with those damn red lips
Like a ripple effect, just one thing after another
I felt more and more like such a bother
What I didn’t know is that I was slowly draining away
Letting it get to me that’s not what I do
But walking the halls I look down at my shoes
Negativity washes over me ---
Feeling hated by literally anyone around
At lunch I sat all alone, yet somehow overwhelmed ---
A day once came when I was sitting next to a peer
Asking them why I felt no one liked me here
My teacher stepped in, and he said to my ear
“Wait...you have friends? Since when?”
Anxiety rushing through my head
What I wanted to do was go to bed
Get rid of my thoughts and get out of my head
I wanted them to stop ---
Now this may be a story, but it is true to the tell
Believe me, I couldn’t ever wait for the bell
What I would think was: Get. Me. The. Hell.
Out of here.
ALL THAT IT TAKES
April 27, 2020
A smell, A taste, Sometimes that is all that it takes
For thoughts to begin swarming in my head
My emotions to take over even when going to bed
Control, I need to take control, but I can’t
There are times even on a brighter day
When it starts out well until you see me lay
My back to the bed, the couch, the ground
My head is nothing but overwhelmed
What I see is slumped, broken, frowned
Rocks in my head, and fire in my heart
This burning sensation I can’t seem to grip
My stomach is cramped full of worry
You will never be good enough
You don’t ever try hard enough
Telling myself over and over again
All you need to do is make amends
Believe in yourself, love, have hope
Cherished while high up in the clouds
Even at bay and while on the ground
Tears that stream down my face
It does not mean I don’t dismay
This utterly, cruddy, terrible, horrible feeling ---
I am often seen as very focused
My body is there, but my mind is not
What I do is despair this awful thought
That I am human when I feel like a robot
Each day feels like a reloop of the last
To make it different I took off the mask
I wrote songs, and blogs, and finally at last
I chose to make change happen
A decision to give myself a break
For a time I would just bake, and bake, and bake ---
My accomplishments do not reflect my worth
As a baby we are born to the earth
Life is what we make out of it
Helping hands and a caring friend
A stranger even, who knows, could live in a den
Strength, and courage, and pride is what it takes
I am the one who really makes the stakes
Set achievable goals and do things you enjoy
Never stop trying and don’t be coy
To others, or even to yourself ---
You can try and try to push it away
Even sit with it, but that could cause dismay
Telling you now, you may lose faith
But others will have it, and that is all that it takes.