Often I feel on edge and have this tense nervousness throughout my body. My body is telling me I am constantly in danger in some sort of way, no matter where I am, or what I am doing. Looking around I am always wondering who is watching me. Part of this may be from feeling the need to constantly seek approval from other people. I believe this is caused from not having approval or acceptance of myself. Being an adoptee, all sorts of thoughts I have of myself relating to how I might have felt during the beginning of my life seem to connect to beliefs I have now. I feel like I need to earn any good things that happen to me. I need to earn being accepted by others.
One huge thing that bothers me is when I try my hardest, but am still told whatever I accomplished wasn't enough. I mainly tell myself this because I always strive to be 'better' and 'do more, but I forget to set realistic expectations of myself. This is something I am always working on- giving myself a break. I would say that temporarily these expectations I set for myself did become more realistic. This did not mean that I worked any less hard, but that I was able to take a step back and get to know my limits.
It is hard enough trying to come to terms with accepting yourself, but sadly there are always people who will judge you. Similar to this topic, I always dislike when teachers tell their students to "try harder". In my experience, teachers are constantly saying things to their students "If you failed this test it means you didn't study", "if you don't know the answer to this question it means you didn't do your work", "You only got an 80%? Well that's not an 100%". I honestly CANNOT STAND when this happens...and pretty much on a daily basis. There are so many people in this world that believe everyone is the same, but that is polar opposite from the truth. People in general tend to be praised for their outcome, rather than their hard work or dedication. At this point I really try to disregard the bullshit people say. I unintentionally take what others say personally, even when they are said in large groups, because I look for the slightest things that could be wrong instead of looking at the bigger picture.
My best advice would be to go easy on yourself. Be proud of your accomplishments, whether big or small, and focus on who you are as a person. We learn from mistakes anyway...they help you learn, and grow, and they get you farther in life.
