There was a day not too long ago that I had both a terrible and incredible experience, and I believe I will never forget it. I have been struggling with clinical depression for a few years now. There are days where I feel this heavy weight on my shoulders. I feel like I have rocks in my head. All of these things are pulling me down. I have no way out.
I am so afraid to go to sleep each night in fear of waking up sad. I felt pretty good that day for the first time in a long time. It wasn’t anything amazing, I didn’t do anything special, but I felt OK. But each day as night time arrives I start to feel less and less okay. I get a tightness in my chest and butterflies in my stomach because it’s getting closer and closer to bedtime. I felt good that day, but then something changed. A sudden rush of sadness came in me. I was weighed down again. I was afraid.
“Another night. Another night I am going to go to bed feeling depressed only to wake up depressed again.” That’s what I said to myself. I felt good that day pretty much all day long. “Why does this happen? Why can’t I have a day where I can go to bed feeling ok?” After sobbing on the bathroom floor, holding my hands up to my forehead, and whisper-screaming to myself “WHY. WHY. WHY.” I changed. And by this I mean; I changed my mindset.
I took a long shower and I cried some more. I looked at myself in the mirror which had note cards on it that my mom made for me. They read “I believe in myself” and “I love myself”. I started to repeat them out loud. Then I started to say: “Jada this half hour of sadness does not take away your entire day of feeling good.” I kept repeating that. In my mind it didn’t mean a thing. But, then I decided to try this new technique my therapist taught me. “Imagine your depression as being beside you instead of in you.” I was standing in the corner of my bathroom, I closed my eyes, and I pictured that black hole I felt I was sinking into, next to me.
That’s when it clicked. I started to feel just a little bit better. The rest of that evening I watched some TV and decided to relax. Give myself a break. Then, that night I went to bed and for once I was not afraid to wake up in the morning, because I had just changed my mindset. In the last three years I do not think I have ever been able to do that. I was proud of myself. I felt that was a huge accomplishment, even if it doesn't sound like one, but to me it was.
I am sharing this experience with you because I want you to see how you can create change. You can create it for yourself, or for others, but the only way change will happen is if you take the steps to try. It’s not easy, and it takes hard work, but even the slightest bit of progress has meaning.
