Disconnected

I will admit, I said I'd write more often yet here I am a month later. Things have been busy lately...life is busy. School has started up again, virtually, and I have had many feelings about it. It's been surprisingly good so far- I got all the classes I wanted and have great teachers. Although like most people think; it's just not ideal.

My feelings of disconnection are strong. I'm not just physically disconnected but I'm mentally disconnected from reality. It's super weird to explain, but it's the feeling of my body being detached from my mind. So much that I forget at times I'm actually here. I believe that the thoughts I used to have of wanting to "wake up" from my depression can connect to this. Sometimes I wonder if I'm possibly living in an outside world, or that I'm in a dream or nightmare. It comes and it goes- I'm waiting for this bubble to pop me back into reality. I definitely have moments of feeling alive and completely present. Though when this disconnection it's strong it feels like there's a lag in my inner processing. It affects my emotions in a way that I actually feel numb at times, and it also causes me to space out a lot. This can result in lack of excitement or physical expression on the outside. This doesn't mean that I'm not excited, because I can think about being excited, I just don't have the feelings.

Other times I'm overly expressive because my emotions are released a great amount. That's when I feel the bubble has popped, so it's like the bottle holding them let all the liquid out at once. These moments are either a-ma-zing or ter-ri-ble. Laughing hysterically or crying uncontrollably. Feeling like I'm in the best moment of my life or the moment where the world is ends. I know most people have these moments throughout their life. The hard part is feeling unnormal, really.

Good thing there is no such thing as a normal. Although, I guess you know what your own normal is. I want to accept that I can't control having the perfect emotions at the perfect time, because frankly, that would be even more robotic.