For National Adoption Awareness Month I put together tips for adoptees based off of the Seven Core Topics of Adoption. These are commonly known as the "Seven Core Issues" (which I don't like using). All experiences are valid---these tips are based off my own personal experience as an adoptee.
Loss: Know that no one can take away your loss no matter how big or how small it may feel. How we react to loss is different for everyone. Although I am unsure if my birth parents are alive or not, not knowing who they are, where they are, or where I came from, is a form of loss. Loss that feels big to one adoptee may not feel as significant to another, but it doesn’t take away the pain or importance of either person’s thoughts or emotions.
Rejection: Don’t let fear of rejection take over the possibility of acceptance. Avoiding situations that present an opportunity of rejection can be very common among adoptees. Being rejected a second time, or several, can feel scary and trigger early trauma. Reframing your mindset to see it as an opportunity can help with seeing that it is only possible to gain from the experience, whether it is earning something specific or gaining experience.
Guilt/Shame: Recognize that you are just as human as anyone else. Adoptees are not in control of their birth parent’s actions. Would you tell your friend who is adopted that “bad behavior” as a kid is what caused their separation? No, so be kind to yourself and treat yourself with the same respect you would a loved one.
Grief: Give yourself time to process your grief. I personally have told myself that I can’t grieve over my birth parents, because I don’t even know if they have passed away or are still alive. Death isn’t the only thing that causes grief, and there’s no set time for how long the grieving process is for everyone. Be patient with yourself.
Identity: Shape your own identity into the person you want to be. Without knowing my biological history, I feel like I have a huge piece of myself missing. The truth is, there is no missing piece that’s going to make me, or you, whole again. Even adoptees who have reunited with their birth parents still feel like they have a piece missing. There’s no way to “solve” or “put back together” what was already taken. What you can do is take control of who you are now.
Intimacy: Use your voice and make sure others know to respect your boundaries. Attaching to others can be hard for some and easy for others. Fear may get in the way - telling an adoptee they can’t trust because it was already broken before. Other adoptees may attach quickly to people because they missed out from the nurturing of a caregiver early on. As adoptees get older, it can be hard to navigate relationships. Trust yourself in knowing what is right for you.
Mastery/Control: Take control of what’s yours and speak up when something isn’t right. Over the years, I have struggled a lot with power imbalance. I’ve felt as if I didn’t have control over my life, my thoughts, emotions, what others say and do. It’s all about reaction; You can’t stop things from coming and you can’t control another person’s decisions. But, it’s your choice of what you take away from it, how much you let it affect you, or if you decide to forgive [both] others and yourself.
