I have visualized my depression as a black hole that I am forever falling into, but not always. In seventh grade when I began to self harm my depression turned into a 'monster'. It has now always been something I feel I want to beat. I cannot allow it to keep 'eating away' at me.
As I walked down the halls in my middle school I was always wearing two rubber bands around my wrist; one red, and one blue. I could not go one day without these, for they seemed like the only thing that could get me through my day. Every time I had this urge I pulled them back and released. It was my way of beating this feeling. It was my way of hurting this monster. Although in the end I was still hurting myself.
You would think people would notice but it was easy to hide it. It is so easy to hide how I feel and put on this mask, but at the same time it was really, actually, hard. It was hard on the inside to hide what I was going through. Having to hide my smile from turning upside down, the scratches on my wrists and my arms, the bruises from pinching, scars that I was ashamed of because I could not take control of this monster. I was already going to see my counselor two...three...four...or even five times a week. Sometimes even twice in one day I had to leave my class because I felt just so bad I could not focus. My urges were so strong, I could not pay attention, and I could not get anything done. I always felt like I was being annoying for needing help, or that I was such a burden for asking for it, but I wasn't. There were people who cared about me and were there for me. The relationships I developed on the way could not be more meaningful to this day.
I now look back, and I am not ashamed for reaching out. I was not always my best self...and at times I was not even myself at all. People do not realize how much of an impact a person's mental health can have on them. I am proud to say I do not have any regrets. I am no longer ashamed of having depression. I did not choose it. I feel no need to hide my scars or to hide how I feel, because my story is part of me whether I like it or not. I would rather be in control of how I go on from this and influence others to do the same. I want to make change. Not repeat the past.
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