I feel like I am waiting for something. Perhaps a release from my emotions. I get this feeling in my chest almost like I am underwater holding my breath. I want to rise above the surface to get a gasp of fresh air, but there is always this force that is stopping me. This force is my depression. It makes me feel: Hopeless. Worthless. Cruddy. Alone, even if I am in a room filled with a crowd of people. I may physically be in one place, but my mind is often somewhere else. I am not always conscious of what I am thinking, or even how I am feeling.
There are times when I have this feeling of numbness, and I am not particularly sad or happy. In the past, one of the hardest things for me is having trouble pinning my emotions to a reason. This is also known as a cause, or ‘trigger’ if you want to get into psychological terms. If I had to put my feelings in three different categories, I would probably call them the sad times, bad times, and good times. Pretty generic right?
The sad times are pretty much my everyday life; just trying to 'get through the day'. The ‘bad’ and ‘good’ times come and go...sometimes very quickly, and sometimes very slowly. There are times I feel so depressed I could be crying for almost a couple of hours. I could also be curled up in a ball in the corner, or sitting on the floor of the bathroom. To call these times hard would be quite an understatement. Sometimes I just need a few minutes to be alone in my thoughts. When I am feeling so empty inside it can help to either get it out, or recharge myself. Just breathe. The good times come and go, but usually they occur from something in my life that makes me feel happy. This could be spending time with friends or family, doing well on an assignment, or singing/playing piano. There are plenty of times where I am doing any one of these things and still feel like crap, but I really try to treasure the moments when I am laughing or have the feeling of gratitude.
When I feel happy at any moment, I end up questioning it and thinking that somehow it is not ‘normal’. My therapist has helped me realize that it only feels that way because I have been in the dark for so long, so those “feel good emotions” almost seem to be amplified.
Over time I have learned to take everything as it comes and be present in the moment. Cherishing the good times gives you positive memories to look back on. To this day it is what keeps me going. Doing things you enjoy and have a passion for, and the relationships you make with people, are both super important keys that will help you make the best of your life.
